IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY

When everyone gets the northern lights and all you get is a cheshire moon and darkness… Lemon life.
131/365

ONE DOWN

Are you paying attention?
The light this morning. It doesn’t get much better than that. Like a literal film light leak, splayed out across the eastern sky. I pulled over three different times and retraced my steps back and forth trying to find just the right angle to see it as it was.
I left the car running.
I left the window down.
I left the music on and it happened again.
One Down by Slaughter Beach, Dog played through the speakers.
Magic.

124/365 // 5/3/24 06:50:30
”One Down” by Slaughter Beach, Dog

The trees are bare
I breathe the air
I hold it down real deep
Before I let it out

The trees aren’t bare, they’re in bloom. The light leak looks like the sun taking a breath, holding it deep and letting it out. The smallest moments are the biggest ones in hindsight and I’ve got to collect them all. One Down.

BARELY, JUST BARELY

I barely, just barely out ran the rain tonight. On my drive home, I felt too tired to create a self portrait inside so I was hunting for a photo as the clouds swirled and drifted into thunder heads. There was a deep blue thickening up the west and I was chasing after it. I stopped about a mile from the house and pulled into a residential area. The plan was to run up — just the most massive hill —and get a wide shot of the road and said hill with the clouds rolling in but… It just wasn’t right. I saw the photo clearly in my head but it fell flat in reality. Maybe, for the best, because it did involve a lot of darting on and off the road on a blind approach.

121/365

On my way up the hill, before knowing all this, the sprinkles were just beginning. And I heard a plane so, naturally, I looked up. Shocker, I know. And there it was, almost floating in and out of this gray haze. I haven’t seen that before. The opacity faded in and out as it passed between these soft, foggy layers. I almost missed it, focusing and adjusting the settings but I got it, just in time before it was lost in the cloud cover.

121/365 // cloud cover

On the way back down, it was a mad sprint to the car as the rain was roaring and the camera was exposed. Editing these, I get a bit envious of the simplicity of it all. The plane slips in and out of view, sheltered and isolated. I live near an airport and I watch them roll in from time to time. Some days, there’s one after the other, crystal clear. But occasionally, I can only hear them, obscured and guarded by cloud cover. Such a simple thing, wrapped in tiny liquid water droplets, high above it all. There’s a Tiny Moving Parts song called Day Drunk. And it goes like…

It’s just me in the kitchen looking up at the clouds
I wonder what they talk about

And it would make an interesting story if someone could figure out how to tell it.

BROKEN BOKEH

An understated photo for a stated day. I’ve taken versions and versions of this photograph for years. I remember the first time I saw bokeh. Bokeh: aesthetic quality of light rendered out of focus.

120/365 // if it makes you less sad…

It was after a rain at Tschida. A big rain. I was still young enough to run around and do shenanigans in the rain. A dare to run here or there in the downpour. All the adults waited out the storm in the trailer and all the stupid kids sat on the deck daring each other to do this and that. Freezing toes, dripping hair, it was all for the glory and thrill of running around in a thunderstorm. After, the sun came out and I remember walking around behind the trailers with my camera photographing clouds. I saw the yuccas blooming and dripping and I got down to photograph them and there it was. These little dancing circles all over the viewfinder. I was enchanted, so many images of wet grasses and plants. These were some of the first images that made me feel like an artist because you can’t see this quite the same with just your eye. I thought I’d found something no one else had ever seen or knew.

Untitled
June 26, 2010

Untitled
June 26, 2010

But alas, it already existed and I was one of many who fell in love with bokeh the moment we met. It’s a nice boat to be in; good company here. I love a shallow depth of field. It’s my preferred aperture.

120/365

120/365 // vincent’s nemesis

Until we meet again broken bokeh…

CALI CALLS

The morning light is unmatched. It’s underrated for photographers. Most prefer and stick to the golden hour, which is absolutely great practice but the blue hour and the first 90 minutes of sun up has its own beauty and poetry. As I said before, I am for sure a sunrise girl over a sunset girl. I came across this shadow and had to frame the shot. Might make a good series down the road —just light and shadow. To be continued…

116/365

Spotted this guy today. He had some sort of stick stuck to him… I couldn’t quite see the right angle or figure it out but in editing, it’s definitely stick like and stuck. It was warm today. Finally. The sky was also softer somehow — not quite as vibrant, a bit of UV haze scattered between us and the great blue. On the drive home it was absolutely “warm” in color and tone and luckily I was quick enough to capture this fella before the sky lost its softness. When the light looks like this or has the yellow UV spread it makes me think of California. And there’s no real founding for that, it’s just one of those things.

116/365

MY OH MY...

I love baseball. I can’t remember when it started because we didn’t have a team growing up but I listened to every story my dad told about his “good ol’ days” and I loved every minute of it. I was on the edge of my seat, bursting with questions. It was like getting to know a secret. He was a catcher and he would tell me all the things he would say to the batter to get in their head. He told the game as if it was live, happening right there. I hung on every word. The way he tells stories is unlike anyone else. Maybe it’s a dad thing, but I’m pretty sure that’s an LJF thing.

115/365 // play ball

As the youngest in the family, I was left solo with my parents for four years of high school and it was honestly, really, really great. My dad and I would watch an hour or two of tv together, damn near every night. We watched some truly terrible television together. And some really great television too. It wasn’t really about what we watched, rather what we discussed in those moments. The back and forth, the turn of the phrase. A zinger for a zinger. A new catchphrase to add to our repertoire. A mumbled sentence that ended up sticking. I haven’t said the word probably correctly in a decade, because once upon a time, one of us said pobby. And now that is how you say it.

115/365 // hey, kid.

I remember when the world series came on and we started watching and betting. And again, I was on the edge of my seat, bursting with questions. There are moments frozen in my brain like this. Many of those frozen moments, we’re in our respective chairs, losing it over something that I can’t even remember anymore. Just fragments of funny phrases and words we said over and over again.

So when spring sports roll in and the kids go out to the diamond, I’m there. Especially, when one invites me as their honored guest. I think about my dad the whole time and I wonder what we’ll talk about during the next world series. Even though I’m not at home anymore, we still watch, in our respective houses.

And we still bet, every night via telephone. And I’m sitting on the edge of my seat, bursting with questions. My fingers cannot type fast enough to fire them off to him. But he always has the answer. And we always end up giggling. In the 2023 world series, it was “wiggle elbow” that got us. I still cannot think that phrase without laughing out loud and I want to use it when I’m out there watching… When I think I see one out on the mound. But there’s no one to tell. And that’s a little sad but it also lets me stay in my head and revisit the memories.

115/365

And that’s the ball game, folks.

PINK MOON & ORANGE HUES

Today had the strangest light. Crazy dark clouds, super blue skies, rainbows...Orange sunset and moons and apart from this first black and white drama shot, I apparently only wanted to show you orange hues.

114/365 // 17:58:24 where the horses watch

114/365 // 20:05:00 where the birds watch

114/365 // 20:12:11 where the lines cross

114/365 // 20:16:03 where the smog gathers

114/365 // 20:39:11 where the pink moon rises // edit: where the orange moon rises

So the pink moon, as we now know, is just a name. What I didn’t know is that it would be ORANGE. Giant and orange. What a sight. What’s weird is my camera didn’t seem to capture the clarity as well as a “white” moon. Will have to further inspect all future moons and figure out what that was about.

LIFELINE

This mini series was born from a song called Lifeline by Angels & Airwaves. I have loved AVA for almost 20 years. The sound of AVA is so full of magic and space…like it sounds like actual stardust sometimes. I had this friend…I asked him once why I couldn’t get over Blink, +44, AVA, Boxcar Racer and all the others. And he didn’t miss a beat. We were so young, we were just beginning. Just becoming who we would be. The music we listened to shaped us, marked us, held us. It still holds me. It’s such a comfort. I don’t think I have the right words to describe it with the justice it deserves.

Any branch off from Blink ended up in my playlists... The lyricism of this particular branch is so visual to me that I think I could probably create a photo for every song… New challenge? One step at time, let’s just get through 365. But dibs on that idea.

So Lifeline, or a part of it, in visual form. It took a bit to get the right artificial wind, I ended with a hairdryer on a twisting chair. Vincent St. Vincent ran for his life. In post, I added a wavelength blur filter but erased to keep the portrait intact. In each, the eyes are hidden or obscured in some way. I always teach that when we hide the eyes in a portrait, it’s saying something. I’ll let you figure out what it means. Can’t give you all the answers, what fun would that be?

If you hear a distant sound
And some footsteps by your side
When the world comes crashing down
I will find you, if you hide.
And if you wish it, wish it now.
If you wish it, wish it loud.
If you want it, say it now.
If you want it, say it loud.
We all make mistakes
Here’s your lifeline

WISHING WELL

Time is slipping by.

96/365 // whispers in my ear

97/365 // happenstance

98/365 // i reached for a shooting star, it burned a hole through my hand
inspired by the song “wishing well” by blink 182

Once upon a time, I stood with 50 other souls 5 feet from Mark Hoppus, Travis Barker, and Matt Skiba as they played Wishing Well. I spent quite a bit of money to be in this position. It was worth it. Feet fixed on the floor, totally still, eyes wide I never took my eyes off Mark. Just watching, entranced, I swear sometimes it’s like it wasn’t real. It still blows my mind that I saw and heard and felt what I did. There’s nothing like it. When a band is your favorite, there. is. nothing. like. it. Whenever I hear Wishing Well I’m transported back. I didn’t even have that on my top 10 or even 20 favorite Blink songs but now it will forever be. I remember starting to reach for my phone to record, but I stopped myself. I knew I would miss something if I looked away, even for a second, and I just couldn’t look away. I remember walking out after to wait for the main show that night and thinking how I would never be the same as I was before.

I was trying to describe a similar feeling today to my people... There are certain things in life that feel a certain kind of way and you only know if you know. Seeing a show like that. Being in that “space” is one of them. Like drinking ice water, feeling it slide all the way down, rest and settle in your gut. Like 30 minutes after a run, lungs tingle and ….sparkle? Ok, so I don’t have the words for that one yet, but I will. Like freezing, cold, bare skin turned to a warm campfire in the middle of the night. Some things you only know if you know. And as always, I know what I know…

99/365
This is the spot in the horror film where everyone yells at the screen. “Don’t go down that driveway!” And I don’t but I do run extra fast past it.

100/365

100 snuck up on me. It was upon me before I realized. I was walking and loved the uneven balance I saw in the sky. I’ve been looking up to the sky more than ever before. And whichever poor soul is next to me has to hear me dribble on about how interesting the clouds look today, and this and that. I stop talking and they say “yeah…” and I feel like a crazy person. I’m telling you, there are photos everywhere but you have to want to see them. So what I learned at 30 days in, is still true, 100 days in.

101/365 // missed the boat
inspired by the song “missed the boat” by modest mouse

Looking towards the future, we were begging for the past
Well, we knew we had the good things, but those never seemed to last
Oh, please just last

It is the 20th anniversary of Good News For People Who Love Bad News by Modest Mouse. A great album, but I had to jump ahead three years for this song for today... Another thing that’s hard to describe but it played in my head as I stepped outside to be greeted by the sky above. And boy, did I dribble on about the sky. “Someone painted the sky!” [face palm]. I once told my mom to play this song at my funeral and she listened to it and was not pleased. I giggle about that now. Whenever it comes on, I just feel the same: ready and at peace.

Here’s to the next 100 and maybe a few song inspired photographs.
xo CEAF out

WEATHER & OTHER VARIABLES

Spring break weather patterns and other atmospheric elements…

81/365

82/365

84/365

87/365

88/365

BIG DAY. BIG MOON.

A big day. Deserved a big moon. So yes, again, it’s thee moon, from this day.
80/365 a.k.a. 3/20/24 at 19:10.

Only resized for emphasis. Because today had a lot of emphasis.

I was going to write a big speech but now at the end of this day, I’m exhausted. So I’ll leave you with a quick list. Within the span of the moon setting and rising again, I felt it all: eager, excited, enamored and equanimous. Emotional and earnest, exasperated, but ending enchanted.

A TALE ABOUT "FOUR"

I’m trying to find the right words. There are only 26 letters… maybe it’s not about letters at all. Maybe four is the magic number. Four seasons. Count to four as you breathe in and out. Four cockle burrs always finding me as I weave in out of the thicket. Four wrong turns leads me to a place that feels like North Dakota when the wind blows. Four shots from hunters in the distance. Four-ty mile an hour wind gusts. Four attempts at the shot. 

76/365

The cinematic silo and the red dilapidated barn sitting on the edge of a lake surround by woods is where I stumbled today. Dead trees cracking and swaying as I patiently waited for clouds to align above the silo. Loud snap, crack, and crash. Wispy bark flitters down to the ground around me and I look up as one massive branch is headed down.

Four steps to the side. Four rapid heart beats. Four box breaths and I look around. There’s no one here. No one saw that. Not a soul. I step further away. Not feeling like my feet are on the ground anymore. I watched as the tree leaned even more and started to record a video. The tree was going to come down. I knew it. The wind gusts pushed and pushed and it fell a bit more but didn’t make it fully to the ground. 

76/365

I leave it be. Let it fall without a witness. Without eyes on it. I’ve never felt at home here in this state. I miss so much of North Dakota and the people I left there. I miss the wind and the prairie and the Cannonball and the Heart. I know they have 10,000 lakes here but it isn’t enough to hold me. I’ve never loved it here. I’ve never been at home here. Never settled nor calm here. Until I walked in the wind, a wind that whipped and pushed like it does on the flat prairie back home. Never at ease here. Until I watched a tree fall by a silo and a red barn across from a small lake. Dodging certain pain by four quick steps.

67

Another short story.

67/365 // some stories are not meant to be told

67/365 // I took a picture I don’t like to look at

67/365 // so I went to be with the geese, but they were gone

60.

59/365. 06:40. 6 degrees.
I always thought I was a sunset girl but I think I’ve always been a sunrise girl instead.

59/365. 06:41. disclaimer: i made the moon MUCH larger but it really was the moon from 59/365.

A moon obsession is building and growing. I’m going to try to be chill about it but pobby not.

60/365.

60/365. I saw these guys on 59/365 and worried about them all day. High was 26 degrees. Drove by them again today, 60/365. Temp this morning was 29 degrees. It warmed up to 45 degrees today so I’m gonna believe they’re all just fine.

60/365.

60/365.

54. SUNRISE. SUNSET.

As it turns out, I like my blue with a little green.

7:07:17

7:18:27

17:19:11

17:19:11 detail

EARLY 40'S AND AN AGE OF PINK

I’m trying to be braver. Doing things I think I can’t. Like the 365 itself… Or going to a show alone, at night, in the city. I think it’s working.

41/365. The set up.

41/365. all in bloom. Seeing this band was important. It felt like something that is hard to describe.

41/365. & in honor of a song that means more to me than I can accurately convey, here’s a little tribute to that night. “in bloom” neck deep.

Impromptu hike on Sunday yielded encounters with four cockle-burs, three strangers and an infinite number of tiny little pretty dead things.

42/365. I swear I’ve dreamt this exact scene.

42/365 and as always, a light ring to close out day 42.

43/365. only one will do.

365 is working. The daily vitamin, it’s supplementing my existing courage.

IN THE 30's

35/365.

37/365. To get it, listen to Little Boxes by Malvina Reynolds

39/365.

33/365. Made several illegal pull over maneuvers tracking this guy and his balloon.

38/365. A small obsession with a portrait of place was realized.

31!

31/365.

Here’s what I know: The more you do this, the more you want to. The more I “see,” the more I need to save. The more I post, the more I like the record keeping.

It bugs me slightly that all the books and life coaches, etc. were in fact right… It takes 30 days to create a habit. We in it now, folks. I have to show you all the stuff I “see” and how I “saw” it. All in. 0 to 100. To the moon.

The mini’s are from photo class… they’re starting advanced photography and for some it’s been four years since they’ve touched a dSLR, so we practice, a lot. And it just so happens it was 49 degrees and sunny today so, out we went with our “beloved minis”.

I didn’t lose any students or minis… So — much better than the fall section, where I did in fact lose one of each. Luckily the student found their way back. But one mini has never been recovered.

I walked out of work at sunset. Someone told me recently that the cold air makes the sunsets more… “more” in the winter and now I can’t let one go.

31 down. 334 to go.
I know what I know.

Before I close out January, here’s my other favorite day (sunrise) from 29/365:

WEEK 3 & 4

Yeshashmudia. The weeks of inventing characters. It started with the queen of diamonds. But my favorite is the queen of clubs.

She’s sweet but she’s always somewhat confused, off in her own world. She’s a bit out of the loop but everyone loves her just the same. Everyone gives clubs a hard time but she’s just a club, she can’t help it. So here she is personified in human form, frozen with buttons on her head and lines from her eyes, wondering what the heck is going on and not remembering where she is supposed to be. And the spade queen is just annoyed with everyone.

16/265, 17/365, 19/365, 18/365

And then I moved on to some more detailed editing. Liquify and line additions.

23/365, 21/365, 24/365, 25/365

And then the fog came and stayed and I spent time before the blue hour in my neighborhood capturing the atmosphere. 26/365

But as it turns out, I can’t stray from self portraits for long. Who knew they were my favorite? I definitely did not admit that to myself or anyone else until a few days ago.

28/365
my hands are tied
to worlds unknown
and this I know